1. The cats have been super hilarious. Like Orin. When he runs into the bedroom, leaps onto the bed, rolls on to his back to leave his stomach in primo petting position, then cocks his head like a cute owl as if to say: "What. I just spend my free time being adorable. This is not an act. I didn't even know you were coming into this room. God."
2. You're on vacation and you want to remember the man wearing teal scrubs. The medical professional on a skateboard selling weed prescriptions while 20 feet away a man serves Chicken Cacciatore out of a 5 gallon garbage bin for $1 a plate. And that tan man who made you ask your boyfriend-for-life: "Statue or human being?"
3. You've spent the week watching movies, making delicious foods, reading books and taking self-portraits. It is time to collect these snippets of a life and put them together on a single page of the internet. You're not a scrapbooker! (You tell yourself).
4. You eat a Better Cheddar and remember the time you and Princess Linda set out to write a list of 101 things to do with Better Chaddars (in addition to simply eating them). You were going to send this list to the Better Cheddar inventors. Remember when we simulated using them as earrings? You imagined this would mean you would become the Bruce Jenner of the Better Cheddars box.
No, you're right. The answer is No. 5: Body horror.
5. Your fucking tooth, the one that had the root canal, is infected and honestly, if you had to live with this kind of searing pain every day of your life -- the tender tooth, the swollen gums, the raw mouth, the shredded throat, the sore jaw, the bubbled gland, the Z of sharp pain that runs to your cheek and ear -- you would be one scary lady.
"What happened to your teeth?" the dentist asked yesterday, wondering why I have such issues. "Were you in like a car accident or something?"
He gave me a prescription for antibiotics.
Every six hours, on the nuts, I take something to combat the pain. That lasts three hours if I'm lucky. Then I hold myself and rock and moan and even my nostril is raw, so every time I breathe it's like splashing my sinuses with minty cool ouch of fire.
I keep Googling "How long until antibiotics work on infected tooth" to see if science has released any new information on the subject in the past few hours. The going rate seems to be 24-48 hours. I'm just over the 24-hour hump, but I can still feel my heart beating in my jaw bone, so.
I called the Nurse Helpline to find out if there was a better way to manage the pain. Like, how, it might say on the Advil bottle to only take 2, but everyone knows you can really take three at a time. In fact, three is a much more satisfying amount to toss into your throat. I wanted insider info. She conducted an extensive interview with me that made me feel like I now have a profile on OK Cupid. Ultimately it took 10 minutes for her to advise me:
"What did she say?" Chuck texted.
"Cold wash cloth," I responded. "SCIENCE!"
So anyway. That's what I'm up to: Hating my fucking face and waiting until 3 a.m. so I can take more pills.