1. You seem to be experiencing the first blushes of a new relationship, those tender early days where you sext and ask him his middle name.
"For some reason I thought it was Ronald ..."
2. I'm not Dr. Phil, but Not-Ronald seems to be currently relationship'ed up with another girl. Your advice to tell her "she's been replaced" is certainly one way for him to handle it. Direct. Rip off the Band Aid. Although your secondary bit of wisdom, "Actions speak louder than words," might be a smoother transition, albeit a bit passive. Tough call.
3. You, my dear, seem to have an amazing way with conflict resolution. Not everyone can get the father of her child to send archived swim suit pix to her so that she can forward them on to a new dude. (I agree, I'm sure the animal print one is stunning).
4. You'll probably want to kick that curious tick where you drop "... and shit" into the middle of each sentence and " ... or whatever" into the end of each sentence. Just a suggestion. Personally I think it's decorative, but I'll admit that it started to make my brain buzz.
5. Your assumption that he learned to make tattoos while in prison seems to be spot on. I say go for it. Let him ink you.
6. It's interesting when you say "I've haven't been to prison yet, but ..." Just seven words that leave so much unsaid. First of all, the "yet." Second of all, the "but."
7. "Just chilling or whatever" does sound like a nice way to spend the week away from your son. "Watching movies and shit" is fun. You are being very understanding regarding the circumstances of his ankle bracelet.
8. Crampy seems to want her phone back. She's worried about the battery level. She still has to call her husband to give him the 411 on this prolonged wait. Don't worry about her, though. After those four bass belches she just emitted, the first three followed by "excuse me," and the fourth with "I'm sorry" she is probably feeling better. If not, I hope it's a boy.
9. I question telling Not-Ronald that his brother was all drunk and grabbing at you and that you "don't know why" the father of your child still has semi-nudie pix of you. This seems like a ploy to up your market value. Not Ronald should like you for you, not because his brother and your ex are still clamoring for you. Again. Not Dr. Phil.