I like Whipped Cream. Frothy sugar mixed with air. It is almost one of my favorite foods. On pie. Or my finger. This is like putting a Taco on my Pizza or rolling Jelly Bellys in Lick 'Em Aid. What a waste. Sure it was good. It couldn't not be. And sure I stabbed that extraneous cherry and ate the heck out of it. I'm still mad.
This is not a Shamrock Shake. This is a Shamrock Shake that was Starbfucked.
Speaking of Lent: A Facebook friend posted this two weeks ago on a Friday. I thought it was a legit question and I decided I wanted to be the resident expert on Would The Pope Consider This A Lenten Meat Violation. I didn't want to be the resident expert on her wall, however, because the last time I talked to her was during the 1992 high school track season. Nice girl, though. And the question is a good one.
RESUME OF THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL QUALIFIED TO ANSWER THIS:
Practicing Catholic who regularly gave up meat on Fridays during Lent, 1976-1994
Practicing Vegetarian who tripped and fell face first into a cheeseburger one time, 1999, 3 months.
A*: Cooked chicken powder does not count as meat, and not just because if there actually is anything from a chicken in this powder, it was invented in a culinary petri dish and then eviscerated with salt. Mostly I say this because during Lent, fish isn't even considered meat. And since something that actually is meat isn't meat, there is no reason to believe that something that has a negligible amount of meat is meat.
However. If this was a vegetarianism question, then yes. Cooked chicken powder is meat. It has "chicken" right there in the title and chicken is an animal with its soul wearing a cloak of meat. Otherwise it would be called chik'n and it would taste like chicken, except a little different in a way that would become less noticeable the further you got away from actual chicken.
So there you go. Episode 1 of Ask a Former Catholic.
* Answers are written in a confident way that suggests I know what I'm talking about. They are not to be mistaken with the actual answers as they appear in the pages of the bible. Have a question about Catholicism you'd like to see fake answered by a former Catholic? Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org.