Monday, December 6, 2010

More fun with flesh eating ...

Logically, these itchy patches on my skin -- which I've torn away at to the point of blood flecks with my talon-like nails -- are the result of dry air. I've almost perfected a parlor trick in which I absorb the contents of a sealed bottle of Jergens from 10 feet away. There is also a chance that I'm reacting to what seems to be a life sentenced to antibiotics. Nightly ingestion of Mike & Ike-sized drug, which then travels south to my freakishly large bladder where it goes all Space Invaders at anything that looks infection-y. Pieces of said pill then break off and explode into softball-sized itch pockets on my shins, thighs, forearm, chest, shoulder blades,and dime-sized splotches on my lower spine, and along my hair line.

I've even considered that the super secret ingredients of my latest addiction, Sugar Free Rock Star, is rusting my innards. I mean, what the hell is Guarana, and can I trust that it isn't causing me to gouge myself to skin layers well below freckle level? 

I've been bathing in oatmeal-infused washes, then slathering on enough Hydrocortisone that I could feasibly slide my entire body into the cavity of a chicken. This dulls the itch for awhile. Then, suddenly, I'm ripping away at my skull like the star of a Public Service Announcement about the evils of H.

I actually like to believe that this is either psychosomatic itching, or something supernatural is afoot. These are far more mysterious, dare I say sexier, options. Woman itches her way out of her own body, and starts new life as Halloween decoration. Or, tiny evil motes drill way to surface of woman's skin; she frees them with a hearty thrashing of nails, flicking her own skin dust into the couch.

Hey! Have you guys ever stood in front of a bunch of lotions at Walgreens and Google Imaged psoriasis and eczema on your iPhone to try to self-diagnose your animal behavior? And then moved skittishly away from the other person in the aisle who was doing the same thing? Me too.

10 comments:

Futbol said...

i've been freaked out by this story since i read it two years ago. i think it applies: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/06/30/080630fa_fact_gawande.

Christa said...

I made it to the part where she hits her brain, and threw my phone so I wouldn't barf on it. I'll read more later when my stomach is empty.

Clare said...

My advice—which I paid a doctor $100 to give me when I had chronic hives— is to get some Zyrtec or Claritin. It sounds like whatever you have (which I hope to God is not whatever's in that story Futbol shared, which I am too horrified to even look at) is responding to hydrocortizone, so one pill a day of either of those should do the trick. If you have welts with the itchy patches, it may well be chronic hives, so you can look forward to carrying around a bottle of Zyrtec for the next two years. If it turns out to just be dry skin, I recommend that Norwegian hand cream from Neutrogena—that stuff is awesome!

Christa said...

Thanks, Clare. I'm going to try the Zyrtec/Claritin suggestion, with a side of Norwegian lotion.

traci said...

When I get little eczema patches, I put Aquaphor on them and that seems to dull the itch and moisturize at the same time. Good luck!

Christa said...

Good to know. Thanks, Traci.

Sproactually said...

I just stop shaving.

Does your new home have hot air heat?? Hot air systems are brutally dry and need humidification.

feisty said...

i know it is greasy and expensive, but Aquaphor is the only thing that relieves E's (terrible) eczema. it is similar to the norwegian hand cream, but comes in convenient TUBS!

http://www.amazon.com/Aquaphor-Healing-Ointment-Advanced-14-Ounce/dp/B001FB5IP0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291867926&sr=8-1

french said...

Oh, come on, you threw your phone?

I have always read you more intelligent than that.

You can do it! Read the rest of the article.

Christa said...

I did, in fact, go on to finish the article. For as much as I love the blood and guts stuff, when she hit brain fluid ... zoiks. I couldn't decide if I had writer envy or wanted to tape mittens to my hands.