Blah blah blah victim fantasies, blah blah blah stalking, blah blah blah my boyfriend just looked at my carotid artery like it was a Tobasco Flavored Slim Jim. Content sigh.
Unfortunately, every time I walk past the "Twilight" altar in my local book store, I find myself holding book two, "New Moon," in my stupid little hand. The cover is very aesthetically appealing. That glossy black, with a stark bloody flower. The novel is a good weight, a weight that says "there is a story in here," but neglects to add "but Stephenie Meyer is going to break that story by making flat, shallow characters, and by replacing plot lines with 322 ways to describe the color of a handsome vampire's eyeballs."
I should admit on this page of the Internet that I am, right now, listening to the "New Moon" soundtrack. But only for research purposes for this post. And because I like Lykke Li, Thom Yorke, and The Killers.
So the trailers for the second movie are killing me. I love the fanfare of a trailer. Any trailer. All drums and chase scenes and longing glances ... and, in this case, a wolf man. If I had no working knowledge of anything involving bedazzled Robert Smith wannabes, and someone dropped me from Mars and directly into a Cineplex, the trailer for "New Moon" would be incredibly appealing. Sure, it has its "Teen Wolf: 2" moments, but I've never let a little hokey pokey stop me from buying 8 pounds of popcorn, a jumbo vat of nacho cheese and a blue raspberry Slurpee.
This is all just to say that I'm afraid I'm going to probably read "New Moon." And then I'm probably going to go to "New Moon."
Here is my justification:
1) I like to know what the kids are Tweetin' about;
2) I'm never more alive than when I truly, truly hate something.
9 comments:
I knew you wouldn't be able to resist! New Moon was my least favorite of the series, which made it difficult to get through it.
Maybe you'll surprise yourself and find you like it -- well, maybe you'll like it more than Twilight anyway.
Me? I cannot wait for the movie. If it weren't for that damn Christmas City of the North Parade I'd go Friday night. And, if I wasn't so old and didn't get so cranky when I don't have enough sleep, I'd go whatever night it opens at midnight.
As long as you know going in that it is a piece of crap, I think you will enjoy it more. If you're expecting literary greatness, you'll be even more pissed off.
This gives me comfort, because I feel exactly the same way.
Oh, I must de-lurk over this one.
My mother has read all four books. She left the first on my kitchen table one afternoon thinking I'd be interested even though our literary tastes are not exactly aligned. I'll admit, I read it. It was painful, dry and stuttering. I found myself looking forward only to the make-out scenes thinking, "This is it. This is where he's gonna feel her up or, or something. Or maybe, oh god maybe more." (pause for effect) Seriously? How messed up is that? Waiting for teenagers to make out and touch eachother. Really?! "For shame," I thought and hung my head until I realized that's exactly what hooks the adult reader; the vampire sex suspense. It's the book's only display of skill. Waiting, hoping, ohgodplease just fuck already! And they don't. They never do because it was written by a real-life BYU attending Mormon where there is no fucking because your eternal salvation depends upon your chastity. Man, what a let-down...In the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
P.S. Speaking of religion...I too attended Catholic school. Thirteen years to be exact. (Taught me to swear a blue streak) I identify with quite alot of your content and very much so enjoy reading your blog. You and Chuck seem to be alot like me and mine.
P.P.S. I should add, I have no beef with the Mormons. I know a few and they're great. Thing is, we have nothing in common but our love of Sprite. Sprite's my go-to movie soda. It's the only time I drink soda, really...That is, when I'm not with the Mormons.
P.P.P.S. Uh, I read New Moon.
P.P.P.P.S. I read Eclipse too. (Hey, I was bored and my mom left it on my kitchen table...I hate myself)
Don't do it. If I can resist, so can you. The movies are one thing; not watching crap is an impossible task. But reading it? That takes effort.
btw, did you say the midnight showing was sold out? My sister wants to know. For real. I'm not being funny.
Its awful along with book 3. Book 4 was just as bad but did seem to have a little more of a plot than the middle two. Just save those hours for something else. She is the most mocked author of Tween books out there right now by any aother author in the same genre. You'll hate Edward and really REALLY hate Bella.
The book was crap, but I have high hopes for the movie, tpurely based on the musicians they wrangled into the soundtrack! Death Cab! The Killers! Muse! Bon Iver! Editors! Yes, please. -Fannie
p.s. the book being crap didn't stop me from reading the following 2 either.
you're right, chuck's fannie. the music is insanely terrific. the only good thing to come out of this whole twilight craze is that millions of shitty teenagers will be exposed to something other than that stupid miley thing.
My son and I read "Eragon" together and loved it, then went to the movie together and hated it. So of course, we bought the DVD. Now we can hate it over and over.
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