Your post-apocalyptic skill set ...

I'm sitting here trying to catch up on the Discovery Channel's post-apocalyptic reality show "The Colony," which promises to be a show that Chuck and I can watch together. He's got a few episodes lead, and my homework is to get up to speed. This show has what we both need in TV: A hybrid of "Myth Busters" and "Terminator II" for Chuck, and real-life, interpersonal disharmony for me. I just have to ignore the "How to extract gas from wood," science lessons, plotted on a white board. Chuck just has to ignore the parts where I say "I bet those two will hook up. Huh. I bet those two will hook up, too."

What I'm mostly learning from this show is that I have no survival skills. Here a man scratches his dirty chin and suddenly remembers "Hey! I know how we can build a water purification system, so we can drink from the Los Angeles river!" I'm struggling to figure out what my role would be in a post-apocalyptic society.

1) I'm not especially violent, so the marauders could easily steal the Vienna sausages I looted from a burnt out grocery store.
2) My needle and thread skills are nil, so I won't be crocheting a fish net or doing, like, sutures.
3) One of the things I'm worst at is carrying things.
4) I can make veggie fajitas, but I can't commit to skinning a rat or breaking a goat's neck so I can make, um, goat chops. I'm not even convinced I'd eat chevre from an animal I could potentially call my best friend.
5) I'm not much for multitasking, and my short term memory is sketchy. I'm probably not going to remember the steps involved with manufacturing an outdoor shower stall, and assembling a water heater.
6) Sometimes I think it's funny when people get mad.
7) I find hot, post-apocalyptic weather to be oppressive.
8) I think scurvy is too hilarious of a disease name to actually worry about. Besides, I hate peeling oranges.

My skill set seemingly includes:
1) A lack of skittishness about toilet cleanliness.
2) I don't really need to wash my hands.
3) I'm a people person!
4) I can sleep anywhere.
5) I know how to ask for the bathroom in both Spanish and Swedish, although I'm told the Swedish version is the equivilent of speaking the language of The Canterbury Tales.
6) Speaking of that, I can read pretty quickly.
7) I like to do some clownin'. You know, funny jigs and made up songs.
8) I can maintain an online presence, although I'm not sure there is room for blogging in a post-apocalyptic society.

So ... I don't know. I think I'd be screwed.