my family's home wasn't much of a slumber party draw. it wasn't located in elton hills, where all the boys lived. it didn't have a freezer filled with snack food, and a video camera for recording re imagined miss america pagents. it didn't have fannie's dad's secret recipe for popcorn, a pizza parlor at the end of the block, or a magic bathroom mirror that hid even the most splotchy teenager's acne, and made the most limp-banged broad in the bunch's tresses blossom and bounce.
my house had two small things: 1) a ready supply of pillsbury glazed orange rolls for breakfast; 2) a vhs tape of four episodes of "alfred hitchcock presents" that were recreated in 1985 based on original episodes. my friends and i watched this over. and over. and over.
right now i can only think of three of the episodes on that scraggly old tape:
THE ONE ABOUT THE GUN
a kid stumbles upon a gun -- which he/she thinks is fake -- and runs around the neighborhood pointing it at people. in the final scene, there is a gunshot and a young girl slash almost victim stammers: "it b-b-b-buzzed. r-r-r-rright by my. ear."
THE ONE ABOUT THE FINGER CUTTER
a man ends up in some sort of bet against a rich woman. she wants him to wager his digits. in the final scene, she takes off her long, silky glove to reveal that she only has a thumb.
THE ONE ABOUT THE NURSE*
a nurse is taking care of an invalid in an old creepy house. incidentally, the town is in the middle of a dead-nurse crime spree that happens to be most feverish within a two-mile radius of this mansion. when sam, the gardner? butler? chauffeur? goes to the hospital to pick up extra oxygen tank, two nurses and a drunk housekeeper are left alone in the house.
AND it's storming.
AND another nurse has recently died.
AND when that forgetful nurse stella was locking the basement windows, she missed a latch.
this one ends with the phrase "yes stella. you forgot about sam." oh, snap! one of the nurses was really the killer in drag! his wig falls off as he stranglers her. he sneers comically through smeared lipstick.
*i watched the 1965 version of the nurse one tonight. through hulu, it is possible for me to trigger all sorts of repressed pop culture memories. which one of you assholes wants to play totally 80s trivia against me?