Friday, October 31, 2008

where teeth go to die ...


if there is one crisis that i can handle with the sophistication of a thousand of jane austin's more boring characters, it is the loss of a chunk of molar.

in the early 2000s, i broke my second to back molar on the ride side on a very tasty sourdough pretzel. probably honey mustard flavored. i had a root canal. i never got the tooth capped and broke off the fake part again about two years later. this time, i believe it was a dorito. i got it fixed by a dentist so pretty, that i felt ashamed, sending her knuckles deep into my gaping face cave. it was like making someone with expensive shoes ride in my car, affectionately referred to as the "squalor [pista] mobile."

today, i was absentmindedly chewing a piece of orbitz bubblemint gum [my favorite] and thwack, i yanked the year and a half old replacement chunk out by the sheer adhesive force of sugarless [yet flavor-filled!] gum.

i mined the ceramic tooth-like product out of the gunk, ditched the gum into a street ashtray and shrugged it off. meh, another day, another tooth repair.

then for about four hours i thought i was going to barf. and then i wondered if chuck was going to have to tie a "daddy's girl" bib around my neck, and perform aerial spoon acrobatics before mushing gerber's strained peas against my lips. and if we'd celebrate with a round of stomach zerberts.

my mouth is where teeth go to die. aside from the problem molar, i have a split in another molar on what i like to call "the chewing side of my face." one of my bottom front teeth has a divot in the back. one of my front teeth has a jagged pinking shears cut to it. i could probably cut fabric with those suckers. i think that chip occured on impact with a 32 ounce beer mug, but not the same time i gave myself a black eye on a 32 ounce beer mug.

if fate found me in mexico right now, i'd have the whole lot yanked in favor of pretty perfect porcelin whities that i could keep in a glass next to the bed lit with a blue aquarium light with a small snail to gnaw them clean.

it's not like i eat a ton of steak.

i'm curious to see how long i go before i make an appointment to get this fixed. i have my guesses.

i'm not sure why my teeth are so brittle: i have always consumed a lot of mucous, and i've never just spontaneously shattered a shin bone. on the other hand, i've always had dreams that i'm heaving into my cupped hands and teeth the consistancy of vomit are spilling into my palms.

this sucker's going under my pillow tonight.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

was that photo really necessary? :) fan

christina said...

i've found that blogging is more effective with a visual.

Whiskeymarie said...

I have a cap on the back of one of my front teeth that falls off every few years- I'm convinced this is my body's way of rejecting the "transplant".

I shudder to think what will happen if I ever get a kidney or hair transplant.

Angie said...

i lost my last filling while chomping on chips from chipotle. sounds like we have the same kind of teeth and the same attitude towards their loss. i'm proud (?) to say the gaping hole in the back of my mouth from the last episode (almost 2 years ago) is still there. i have had to switch the "chewing side" of my mouth.
eventually i will slink into the dentist embarrassed as hell for waiting.

let us know what the toothfairy brings you.

Mojito said...

I chipped my right "fang" whilst trying to clench a beer bottle in my teeth so I could pee at a bar once. I have to admit, the borderline drunk in me is pretty proud of that. :)

Anonymous said...

I've found through exhaustive research (read: asking some friends and family) that the crumbling teeth dream is actually quite common. At least that dream doesn't come true for me.

Krupskaya said...

I have the crumbling teeth dream. In the dream, I always think, "Crap, I always dream that this is happening, and now it ACTUALLY IS!" However, my teeth are so far indestructible -- I have never had a cavity.

Anonymous said...

I pulled out a filling with some Target brand nicotine gum about 2 years ago. I may have taken a chunk of tooth with it. It is not currently fixed, nor are there plans for any procedures to get it taken care of. God speed!

DLL

Beverly said...

I like Krupskaya's comment. Oh no!
My kids drink well water and take a fluoride supplement, but I know that too much of it would make their teeth brittle. So it's not concern for you that brings me to the "leave your comment" area so much as for myself. Hmmm.