i kicked off the estrogen rush by listening to delilah in the car. "delilah," this sleepy teen slurred into the phone. "i always thought girls who fell in love with their best boy friends were stupid. but that's what has happened to me."
"what's his name, sweetie?" delilah cooed.
"i can't say," the girl blushed.
delilah played some obscure and tortured love song from about 1990 that even i -- who knows every word and key change of "nothing's going to change my love for you" -- don't really remember too well. i'm sure that 14 year old girl was thrilled to hear a vintage one-hit wonder that her sibling was conceived to. me? i almost spontaneously got my period. that sealed it. little people in unitards be damned.
then i slipped into my coziest sweatpants and my 1992 oversized st. thomas track and field fleece. i've been wearing these sweatpants for months straight. meaning that, at 24 dollars, it is now costing me approximately 3 cents every time i pull them over my fatigued hiney. they actually assume the position when i walk in the front door.
soon i found myself watching "grey's anatomy." i don't even necessarily like "grey's anatomy" anymore, but forgot to mention that to tivo. so it shows up. i watch it and pretend i'm all into it. but really i'm fantasizing about "dirty sexy money" for 52 minutes.
when i saw that my bff fannie was online, i decided i'd send her photographs of a dress i'd spontaneously purchased to wear to bubbles' wedding. i didn't try it on in the store because i can't get my clothes off in the seven minutes i had before the store closed. then i tried it on at home and saw mrs. roper staring back at me. decided to return it and find something else. unless i get word in the next 12 hours that the dance has moved to the regal beagle.
first i checked my closet. this dress, worn once to a wedding in about 2004, made me look like that girl who REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO HER 20 YEAR CLASS REUNION.
then i decided that i should just wear this. comfy. attractive. perfect for my body type. really makes my eyes pop.
it was time to tap the keg. i pulled out the gewurztraminer i'd yanked from the shelves of cashwise liquor after a pretty labor intensive hunt that found me on my tiptoes, and later on my knees.
first of all, i didn't want any of that $3 crap that usually sings my name. i wanted one bottle of something that wouldn't give me gut rot or a headache or visions of a party on the zumbro river when i was 19 if i accidentally consumed it in its entirity.
apparently the words "middle of the road" and "gewurztaminer" don't correspond at cashwise liquor. perhaps not in all of the world. i used change from the bottom of my purse to take home their finest. it took me an hour to unscrew the top. for awhile i thought i might just spend the whole night nonchemically altered. or at least only as chemically altered as "what i like about you" reruns make me.
[aside: my boyfriend has just called. he's in superior wisconsin watching a cover band perform songs by poison. he has informed me that i'm missing out. i can't hear him over the sound of my sweatpants caressing my shins. okay. fine. i heard a bit of "every rose has it's thorn."]
i'd also gotten some cheese. i keep forgetting to mention that saga classic blue brie is my favorite cheese. all that "just sucked on my socks after running then licked the basement floor taste" with a texture of watery elmer's glue. de.lic.ious.
i added a smoked gouda because i like to have options. and i like to eat two blocks of cheese during my girlie alone nights. [next week i plan on taking a break from anything higher than a one on the bristol stool chart.]
i've now been completely girlie for the past five hours. i would literally have to decorate my ovaries with glittery fairy dust to be more in touch with my inner woman cliche.
[aside: my boyfriend is stuck in superior without a cab ride home. this may be the opportunity he has been waiting for to finally sleep at the androy hotel.]