Tuesday, July 1, 2008

rust buckettier ...



my [soon to be former] landlord is a wheelin' dealin' machine who is always buying a 400 dollar car, wrapping duct tape around something, turning around and selling it for six hundred dollars. the old bulldog likes to make a dime, then take that dime and dump it at a casino.

"since i was playing blackjack, the waitress gave me a free bud light," he said today of his recent trip to vegas. "so what did i do? i just kept refilling the bottle with natural light."

he's got a tin can wired to his insurance agent's office, where he communicates his ever-changing insurance needs. going out of town with the boat? he'll park the convertible with the meteorite-sized hole in the soft top in his garage and put insurance on his new 1979 boat-totin' pickup.

he had a cell phone long before you did, but he dropped it in the toilet and now he's waiting for the fad to pass. for now he'll just borrow your's, and spend his first 10 minutes grabbing at it with a meaty paw, trying desperately to yank a fictitious antenna out of it. he'll swear and mutter "stupid cell phones."

the day he got his new old truck, he told me he was stopping by then parked it on the busy road. i immediately picked it out of the lineup: the one with a confederate flag bumper sticker, a rusted out bed, and the back end bungy roped in place. honestly, it's probably better than his longest-living vehicle -- a blazer that chugged well-past 270,000 miles. i drove it to minneapolis for my 30th birthday party and was less surprised the steering wheel didn't fall off when i cranked through the white castle drive thru in hickley than i was by the flat tire i got later, while parked in front of fannie's house.

anyway, the new rig came just in time to help me move things that i can't further than a mile on my back. it was confusing for him:

landlord: "okay, we'll get the bookcases and the desk ... then what about that dresser?"
me: "i'm hoping [girl moving in] will want it."
landlord: "i'm sure she will, i'm sure she will. so, should we get the dresser in the truck?"
me: "i'm leaving the dresser."
landlord: "oh right right, that's right. i meant the desk. so should we grab the dresser?"

anyway, so he got to carry a bunch of heavy stuff while i piddled behind holding things like pillows or blankets or the door. all the while writing himself toward a new nickname. "former landlord" is so clunky. i'm thinking either frodo or bulldog.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

why not burrito or enchilada?

nanners said...

what would we do without a taco in our lives?

Kristabella said...

I think he must have been hit by lightening in the past or something.

Miss Kate said...

You need to make a post label named "Taco". I would subscribe to that.