i spent a good chunk of this afternoon scavenging my left eyeball for a wayward contact lense. i got a little too close to my frontal lobe for my comfort.
i am horseshit at inserting contacts. i blame it on having almond-shaped eyes that are quite deep in the center, and quickly veer to mere paper cuts on the edges. i also blame it on having never been shown how to do it correctly, much like applying makeup, and so i blame my mom for not giving me a near-sighted older sister. then i think of all those super responsible sixth graders i went to slumber parties with in 1987 and their little puffy paisley granny bags filled with solution, lense cases and spare glasses and wonder how they turned into such savants.
this time, the lense drifted the second it left my middle finger. so i flipped up my lid, pressing my eyelashes into my forehead and then rolling my eyes in circles. i got a little dizzy and felt like a collectible doll from the "gone with the wind" series. occasionally i'd get bored of my failed harvest, wander away from the project with the problem eye squinched shut, and put on a pair of socks or change my shirt or check my email or drink some coffee. meanwhile, muck was dripping from my ducts and red vessels were turning my sclera into a road map.
still, i could not make contact with the contact.
OPTIONS I CONSIDERED BRIEFLY, DRY HEAVED, THEN ABANDONED
1. using a tweezers to dig around beneath my lid;
2. watching a few key scenes from "beaches," and hopefully flooding out the debris;
3. going to the ER for an eye wash;
4. adding another contact to the mix and waiting for nature to reject the lense.
eventually i got about knuckle deep in my own eye socket and found the contact, shriveled like a melted candy wrapper. i pried it loose and realized it was only half of it. i found a new mirror with a brighter light and dug into my face again. about 45 minutes later i found the other half.
the replacement lense went in quickly and correctly.
tomorrow i plan to do it all again.