Tuesday, July 8, 2008

mal de ojo ...

i spent a good chunk of this afternoon scavenging my left eyeball for a wayward contact lense. i got a little too close to my frontal lobe for my comfort.

i am horseshit at inserting contacts. i blame it on having almond-shaped eyes that are quite deep in the center, and quickly veer to mere paper cuts on the edges. i also blame it on having never been shown how to do it correctly, much like applying makeup, and so i blame my mom for not giving me a near-sighted older sister. then i think of all those super responsible sixth graders i went to slumber parties with in 1987 and their little puffy paisley granny bags filled with solution, lense cases and spare glasses and wonder how they turned into such savants.

this time, the lense drifted the second it left my middle finger. so i flipped up my lid, pressing my eyelashes into my forehead and then rolling my eyes in circles. i got a little dizzy and felt like a collectible doll from the "gone with the wind" series. occasionally i'd get bored of my failed harvest, wander away from the project with the problem eye squinched shut, and put on a pair of socks or change my shirt or check my email or drink some coffee. meanwhile, muck was dripping from my ducts and red vessels were turning my sclera into a road map.

still, i could not make contact with the contact.

1. using a tweezers to dig around beneath my lid;
2. watching a few key scenes from "beaches," and hopefully flooding out the debris;
3. going to the ER for an eye wash;
4. adding another contact to the mix and waiting for nature to reject the lense.

eventually i got about knuckle deep in my own eye socket and found the contact, shriveled like a melted candy wrapper. i pried it loose and realized it was only half of it. i found a new mirror with a brighter light and dug into my face again. about 45 minutes later i found the other half.

the replacement lense went in quickly and correctly.

tomorrow i plan to do it all again.


Sproactually said...

I will forever have glasses attached to my face. I can't even hear without mine anymore.

I CAN NOT put a contact in my eye.. I just can't do it.

Perfectly Shelly said...

I'm a contact VETERAN...and, let me tell you, I wear GAS PERMEABLE....(aka, HARD lenses). I'm old school. At my last eye visit, I had to graduate to (ahem) bifocal lenses. I'm 42 effing years old and apparently 'relatively' young for this, but not so young to be concerned. Shit.

My kids wear soft and my bff had the SAME issue you did, only she had to be rescued by an eye doctor and on eye drops and eye antibiotics for 2 weeks......she scratched her cornea or something equally awful.

You were far more patient than I EVER could have been....I hate stuff bothering my eyes........blech.

L Sass said...

I'm so glad I had LASIK! Ouch!

The Real Mother Hen said...

You're brave. My hand starts to shake uncontrollable, as if I'm on drugs, when I hold a contact lens. I just can't put it in... and when I finally put it in, I can't get it out! Ugh!

Beverly said...

You could install an emergency eye-wash station. Or maybe go in the shower and have it pound your naked eye.
sproactually: I have had that happen, where I don't seem to hear without my glasses. It's like my face is off my face.

Amy said...

your picture looks like the cover of paluhnik's "haunted" .

Angela said...

OucHHH! I've only lost a contact ONCE in my eye, and that was enough for me. UGH!

Semi-Charmed said...

I pride myself on not being easily panicked, but when I lose contacts in my eye (has happened a handful of times to me) I freak the F out. I have to take deep breaths and count to 50, then start digging.
I can only imagine if I lost a tampon. Had to go there, sorry.