Monday, June 9, 2008

phantom ticks ...

week three with toonses has been better. now he knows when he is being a little shit and at least acts scared when he gets caught. chuck took this photo of him being cute for the second time. the first time was when i was going out and turned back to look at him on the top of the stairs and he cocked his little head. i thought it was actually going to spin. but it just stayed tilted.

this past week i realized that, having already deticked myself twice, i spend about 60 percent of my day with phantom skin crawls, which i'm sure will turn into phantom lyme disease by the end of summer and end around the time i start getting phantom frost bite. in other news, i only called 911 once when i heard a girl being -- what i thought to be -- brutally murdered. i've also instigated "project 'to do list.'" this is where i make a point to do things like shower everyday and make sure we can't smell the litter box. oh, cruel adulthood.

roasted bananas with jamaican allspice: soak bananas in butter and thinks like allspice. roast. spread mix on ice cream. yuuuuummmm. mushy bananas are great! i'll never jar that weird fake molar loose at this rate.

i planned to make this, then clare changed her facebook status to say it was good, so i made it faster!

strawberry rhubarb crisp: i made this simple, chop-heavy recipe for a mike modano birthday potluck on saturday and it smelled so good that chuck and i sampled the first row before i presented it to the intimate gathering of friends. is that gouche? probably not among this very forgiving group. i was one of the last people to scroll through the buffet line and when i got to my dessert i noticed that no one had taken a piece.

hmmm ... the ultimate failure. i wondered if these people had seen chuck whapping me in the head with rhubarb on our way out of the grocery store. ... i mean, i washed it after that.

a half hour later, i refilled on hot dogs and hippie cheetos and there was like one piece left. phew. this means i'll probably be invited back again next year.

"mates of state: rearrange us" silly mates of state. i keep forgetting you aren't the new pornographers! good thing i like the new pornographers.

"the green mile" 1999: i had never seen this movie because i assumed it was about war. a double crime because it stars a UTI. i think it is so strange that stephen king has written a book that translates into this amazing movie, but he's also written the book that inspired "the dead zone" and "pet semetary." also, i'm starting to wonder if john irving and stephen king spent a drunken, coke adled, summer together:

"okay, irving ... i'll put a character wearing a bear suit in 'the shining," king says. "and a character with a urinary tract infection in 'the green mile.' you win, you silly cribbage whiz."

"sex and the city: the movie" 2008: huh. i liked it. i get its failings. i accept them. i was a snotty, weepy, giggling mess of bipolar. i doubt i'll ever watch it again, though.

"american gangster" 2007: this was a lot like a very special episode of "the wire." in a good way.

"10 mph" 2004: the premise of this documentary is sound: two guys quit their jobs and ride a segway from seattle to boston. then the sucking starts:

a) neither seems to have a personality. in fact, here i sit an hour and a half later and i can't remember their names and if i could, i wouldn't know which name belonged to which mayor of dullsville. one brings his twin sister along and her off-camera voice spontaneously shredded four back-issues of the new yorker that were laying on chuck's coffee table;

b) lots of close ups of cows, learning how to rope, a trailer accident involving a winnebago, harley riders and funny-looking country folk. each person they met would make a more interesting documentary than the one they were making, which was essentially a slide show of the 100ish days they spent riding a segway cross country;

c) overuse of the phrase "corporate america" -- which, as chuck pointed out, is exactly who they are seeking sponsorship from for this half-assed expedition;

d) conflict ensues: they're out of money! one of the nameless hacks has a kidney stone! they have to travel so far in so many hours or they won't get to boston on time! by the next shot, these hiccups are solved without explanation.

e) any sort of trite 'lesson learned' could have been more easily learned with a little tequila and a journal.

f) unfortunately, i didn't see anyone consume as much as a single beer. i bet there aren't even laws about drunken segway riding, either.

"i love you beth cooper" larry doyle: so cute. so exhausting. thin on plot -- watch denis cooverman elude beth cooper's boyfriend, a trained killer. after the first go-round, i said "please let this not be what this entire book is about." it is. it's a bit reminiscent of "liscense to drive," perhaps corey haim's finest moment in film. on the other hand, beth cooper is funny. oh so funny. a little snarky in a good way.

"the bachelorette" survival of the fittest episode: is it just me, or do each of these men seem exactly like someone else you know or have met in both good and bad ways? its getting creepy.

* the science teacher in sunglasses surpasses the science teacher not in sunglasses. he was seriously giving her some melty eyes and she looked so uncomfortable.

* i hate ron. he reminds me of someone you meet in a bar who is super flirty, then he turns into a raging psychopath about 14 seconds after you give him your phone number. then you have to change your phone number -- if not your name and zip code.

* oh sweet single dad, i'm sorry that you are going to eventually go the way of the science teacher because i think you're super nice.

* i love ellen.

* so did mullet-face cut his mullet?

* oh graham. if only you had a personality, and that personality was a fraction of your face.


Sproactually said...

Stephen King wrote the Novella that the Shawshank redemption was adapted from, which is a wicked good book and a great movie. He has written a ton of short stories and novels. That should be required reading instead of the scarlet letter.

diatribes and dish said...

is the word, "gouche" a combination of gauche and douche? if so, i like it. a lot. you should send it in to Merriam Webster for word of the year. i'd vote for it.

Krupskaya said...

So we're just catching up on BSG, and I totally agree with your assessment of "Sine Qua Non" -- it's crap. Apollo gives Romo a dog. All I know is, I better see some exploding spaceships REAL QUICK.

christina said...

spro -- you'll be happy to know i read 'pet semetary' long before 'the scarlet letter.'

dd -- eh. spelling errors. they are my calling card.

krup -- i haven't seen this week's episode, but i need even less than explosions, i just need starbuck kicking ass!

Kristabella said...

I love that Ellen gave the rose to my boy Fred from Chicago. And that he sounds like he should be on a SNL skit with the SuperFans. DA BEARS!