Sunday, June 8, 2008

no tan lines ...

i was trying to figure out how to hang button-up shirts on the clothes line today when i heard the neighbor's hammock creaking, a noise i've come to associate with the neighbor doing a rotisserie in order to bronze a different portion of his middle aged flesh. flesh that already resembles something you'd buy for $5.50 at the state fair, on a stick. a meal you chase by running pepto bismol through a beer bong.

i like to think he has a personal turkey thermometer wedged in his gut that pops when he needs to flip. i think he coats his hammock in a fog of pam.

sure enough, when i glanced down, he had moved to the grass. spread out a blanket and face planted in his backyard. he tugged at the back of his swim suit trunks to reveal ass cleavage, and tucked the bottoms into the waistband. it is a sort of makeshift animal print speedo.

he loves to tan. he loves to be as close to naked as possible. i think for the sake of convenience, this neighbor will henceforth be referred to as "ole coppertone." i encounter him almost every day in some capacity. even if its just listening to him whistle for his wife, or smelling the side of beef he's grilling. one night when it was blizzardy, chuck saw him pillaging the wood from his woodpile. coppertone was wearing just a pair of boxer shorts.

"whoa! i'm crazzzzzy!" coppertone said. "but check out my tan!"

today chuck came out on the deck and nodded silently at ole no-tank-lines and made a face like he had accidentally cleaned the toilet with his tongue. i nodded dramatically, mouthing "I KNOW!"

i think you're going to be hearing a lot about ole coppertone this summer.

6 comments:

some guy said...

I'm confused about getting wood in a blizzard and the relation between this and his tan. Does have have a wood-fired tanning booth in his house?

christina said...

it was a blizzard that came after a few nice sunny days.

chuck said...

Besides, he stores up melanin like squirrels store up nuts. By October, he'll reach a deep George Hamilton mahogany, which will keep throughout most of the winter.

Tonya said...

I hope you guys have a fence!

Kristabella said...

Ewwww. We have a guy in our office that is an unhealthy color of dark in the summer because he spends ALL his time from June through August in the sun. And never uses sunblock. And when he tells me "you'd look healthier with a tan" I always respond with "maybe, but I prefer to not die of skin cancer."

Beverly said...

I hang button-up shirts upside-down with one clothes pin at each side seam.
Wait ... this post was about laundry, right?