Monday, June 16, 2008

edict ...

a new edict: henceforth all photos of me will feature a bike helmet, in addition to all photos of chuck being of chuck taking a photo of something else. anyway, this photo, as well as the helmet statement, are by jcrew.

i spent all day saturday with gunk dripping out of my left eyeball, where i seemingly origami'd my contact before gluing it to my face. it was disgusting and seemed the sort of disease that would infect a neglected cow. when i finally had the opportunity to remove my contact, it continued to ooze.

i woke early in the morning and my eye was gunked shut. i didn't bother trying to open it, i just used my right eye to acknowledge i was awake, and then fell into a sort of semi-sleep where i dreamed i was going to have to apply lotion to my eyelashes to pry them apart. this happened about six times before i finally woke for good. i rubbed at my eye and it was like digging a moat around a sand castle and my eye cavity chaffed but finally i got my eye open.

i'm pretty sure i lost 1/3 of the eyelashes on my lower lid. i guess they must be the weak ones. i look like i have eyelid-concentrated alopecia. now no one will ever ask me to prom!

also this past week i cleaned out my car, filling two and a half garbage bags. my favorite find was the bag of carrots i brought to rochester for christmas. i was going to use them to make a festive pumpkin soup. six months later? highly drinkable, if not for that smell.

as for the rest of the week:
"snuff" chuck palahniuk, 2008: now chuck palahniuk is just messing with everyone. this novel is about a porn star's attempt to break the world record in seriel porn starring and told from the POV of three men who are waiting for their shot at history and spans one afternoon of waiting and a woman charged with wrangling the men into order.

it's practically a palahniuk caricature: obscure 'facts' about various movie stars' deaths; neurosis; repetition. it took about twelve pages before i realized he was using this novel as an excuse to come up with silly porn titles and porn star names.

this sort of thing happened in 'diary', but happened better. now its a little exhausting. the voices of the main characters weren't different enough, and i had a hard time remembering who was talking. the plot doesn't live up to the initial premise. and while short, lasts a bit too long. the end feels like a punchline.

and i consider myself a fan. i was prepared to love it when i saw how hard it got panned in the NYT's book review. but she was right.

"firestarter" 1984: drew barrymore as a pint-sized take on the incredible hulk, who makes fire instead of green tan lines. my favorite part: "want me to stand behind you. i've got a deer rifle." [not necessarily verbatim, from the young barrymore's future adopted father.] i'm thinking of making this my personal catchphrase.

"children of the corn" 1984: if i ever write a horror movie [whatever. i might.] it will star a conscienceless tot. it never fails to terrify.

"mind over murder" 2006: i'm seeing some consistancies in the tori spelling ouevre: she always, always plays a runner -- i'm assuming to explain her weight without introducing a previous rib removal surgery to the plotline -- but she cannot act running. she's a real flailer, that tori. she does, however, play a mean victim. less so in this movie, where young tori gets into a car accident and is suddenly blessed with psychic abilities. this comes in handy as she helps investigate a college student's murder and when a doctor gets hot-and-bothered during her checkup. and there is romance.

"the bachelorette: the everyone's going home episode": deanna shows she means business when she sends pouty chef robert and super-cute chicago accented shortman fred home from the two-on-one date. [i think she learned this move from brad the bachelor]. kudos, deanna.

single dad busts out his cuddle face, when teary deanna returns home heartbroken over the heartbreaking. i'm with fannie, who says: if he doesn't win, he gets to be the next bachelor. god bless the single dad. he's kind of a weenie, but in a good way.

jesse really stole the show for me. if deanna is looking for a lifelong love, the snowboarder is her guy: cute, genuine, sweet ... maybe not her type, but i used to think my "type" was a guy who could drive a stick shift and looked good in a baseball cap.

graham pulls boyfrien-at-a-bar shit before he's even earned a rose, telling her he won't kiss her because she's been hanging out with other dudes. i get the appeal. graham is a good looking guy. BUT GRAHAM IS GOING TO DUMP HER AFTER SIX MONTHS! if he wins. he gets snakier each episode.

time to send home:

and really, i loathe jeremy. he seems like the kind of person who would whip his tennis racket at yappy dogs.

"eureka: season one": we are about midway through this sci-fi network series about a former government marshal who becomes the sheriff of a quirky unceasingly science-fair town filled with geniuses. it is very charming and seemingly the hybrid of things like "northern exposure"; "x-files"; "twin peaks"; and sometimes silly like "buffy" when buffy banter really got into its groove.

how come i've never heard of this show? do people watch it, and why wouldn't they tell me about it? and why is it suddenly seeming like i could easily survive with just ABC, MTV and the sci/fi network?


Whiskeymarie said...

Did you ever figure out what was wrong with your eye? I don't know why I need to know this, but I do.

I hope it wasn't pink eye. Tell Chuck to stop farting on your pillow.

christina said...

i think i just had a bit of my contact folded over or something and it got aggrevated. and then later, it was still suffering.

but i'll pass the message to chuck. that's solid advice regardless.

Mach1 said...

"Actress Spelling" was a clue in my crossword puzzle today. Thanks to you, I solved that bastard.

Kristabella said...

I have an irrational fear of pink eye. Like I'm convinced that the ghetto Dunkin Donuts/gas station by my work is festering with disease on the door handles. And yet it doesn't stop me from going and getting coffee there.

Why is Twilly still on the show? He must be funny and they must not show it because he looks like someone hit him in the face with a frying pan.