NON MOVIE PROJECT MOVIES
"the darjeeling limited" (2007): this is exactly the kind of movie that i think is hilarious, although don't ask me what the hell it was about. i only know that three brothers are on a spiritual journey. i like when a scene is exploding with funny, but you have to look for it: adrian brody carrying a pet poisonous snake in a box decorated with a skull and cross bones; or adrian brody going off to pray by himself and a child is standing next to him pointing a gun at him. it all goes back to the movie "dirty rotton scoundrals" when steve martin is running around chanting "oklahoma, oklahoma, oklahoma!" while whaling on pots and pans -- the day i saw that was the day i realized exactly what would define humor for the rest of my life.
"cujo" 1983: oh holy night. family dog turns into mangy rabid psycho killer, first weening the world of bad bud light drinkers and then haunting jonathon from 'who's the boss' and his mother. completely frightful. however, these two were stuck in the pinto for one dog attack too many. i need more scene changes.
"the thing": it would take a lot of special circumstances to get to me watch a 1982 science fiction movie set in anarctica, where the "bad guy" is a "bad thing" that defies description. but this was a decent hour and a half of my life, incorporating some of my worst fears: being trapped somewhere and not knowing who you can trust. as the movie goes on, the death scenes become more elaborate and more disgusting -- a head walks out of a room on its own -- and start to look choreographed by david cronenberg, who will hopefully be charged with directing the movie of my life.
THINGS WATCHED FEATURING TORI SPELLING
"family plan" (2005): have you ever noticed that movies that are heavy on 'madcap misadventures' and doused in 'escapades' always have a soundtrack that is heavy on oboe? what is it about an oboe that screams: hilarity ensues!
this hallmark movie features tori spelling as a climber at a cookie company that is heavily family orientated. during a meeting with the head of the company, she claims to have a husband and child and then must hire an actor to play the former, borrow her friend's daughter to play the latter. this charade lasts through at least 14 oboe reed changes, right up until the moment the songs slow down and ta-da, she and the prostitute fall in love. too too cute.
"housesitter" (2007): tivo is absolutely busting with vapid two-star tori spelling movies for me to fill my days with. in this one, tori plays a poor young unrealized artist who, after serving champaign at her exboyfriend's art show, scurries off to the woods to house sit for some frank guy who's creepy about his coin collection. tori falls in love with the rugged blue collar, who seduces her in a very sudden and aggressive way that stunned me until i was watching the oxygen channel. i can't lie. i didn't get the ending at all. something about tori being afraid of the wrong person.
you know, tori spelling really is the valerie bertinelli of our generation. she really nails these hangover flicks.
"the bachelor, london calling": the thing you don't consider going into this show is that sometimes people have bad taste in other people. so, when matt gave chelsea a rose during the group date, you have to just remember that maybe he wants someone whose primary characteristic is that she can belch the rhinestone stud right off her manicure and who may eventually run off to be a roadie for motley crue. and then he sent holly home?
*i still like robin, regardless of what every other viewer and bachelorette says.
*ashlee tanked on one-on-one time. unfortunate. i liked her. well, i liked her hair. her exit song made her seem a bit of a country western cartoon of herself.
*kelly should be on that tia tequila show instead. faced with the fact she had nothing to say, she did a last ditch flashing? stay classy, kelly.
sometime i'm going to count how many times the word "feel" is said in a single episode: ie 'i feeeeel like' and 'i definitely have feeeeeeelings for matt.'
"the hills": oh boy. lauren and heidi are embroiled in the most passive aggressively manipulative relationship ever. the sexual tension is thickening. if there was a playground involved, these two would be beating the shit out of each other, then making out behind the big toy. lauren invites spencer's sister to her birthday party; heidi has one of those awkward drunk 'letsbefriends' conversations with audrina.
i think audrina is two twinkies and a bag of cheetos from becoming a one of those background characters that lauren banishes from the frame and doesn't even get her name flashed on the screen.