Wednesday, April 16, 2008

most popular girl at the post office ...

this year i let a woman in stirup pants do my taxes. my paperwork is barely complicated: i'm a single renter who drops things off at goodwill, then roars off into the night without claiming a receipt, lest they put a face to the woman without a lint brush who obviously lets her cat sleep in the goodwill clothes pile.

pretty much any jackhole who has ever touched a texas instrument could do my taxes ... except this number transposing, minus-sign fearing jackhole.

me, unblinking in the face of the irs's steel-grey humorless eyes.
"excuse me, sir, but it looks like you owe me one meeeeeeeeelion dollars," i try to kid.
cut to me writing haikus about jesus in a prison cell.


i did not, however, have ole stirup pants e-file them. i let her idiot-proof them into fool-safe bundles so that i wouldn't miss out on that april fifteenth thrill. you know how i feel about hordes of rabid procrastinators, frothing and seizuring and gathered in the name of chaos.

as a sign that my maturity level has in the past year begun to tickle personal lifetime world record, i took my taxes to the post office at 7 p.m., rather than drag racing through neighborhoods at 11:55 p.m. [i've also started brushing my teeth every night before bed.]

i'm not sure if its because i am dating a postal clerk, or if i've just recently become deeply interested in postal service literature, somehow i knew that our main post office no longer sells stamps from a vending machine in the lobby. and if your post office does ... you might want to head there right now with your sock full of nickles because this convenience is going the way of ... well, mail. luckily the ATM at wells fargo -- comparatively archaic -- was willing to sell me a sheet of stamps for just a two dollar markup.

as the one person with a sheet of stamps at an otherwise stampless post office, i was basically tripping over the flower petals they were throwing at my dainty little responsible toes. two for the soccer mom [i thought they always had stamps squirreled away in their clutch handbag?], and one for man who stood in the lobby and spat the obvious, albeit fruitless, question:

WHAT KINDER POST OFFICE DON'T SELL STAMPS?

to which i wondered:

WHAT KINDER PERSON MAILS THEIR TAXES -- ASIDE FROM THOSE APPROACHING IT SCIENTIFICALLY?

another woman and i negotiated with the mail scale, trying to figure out how many stamps to put on our envelopes. the scale was hard steel with divots marking off the ounces. the sort of thing a caveman would have barked at with laughter before melting it into bullets. the scale told us nothing, so we pasted stamps all over our envelopes like they were scratch and sniff stickers and these documents were our trapper keepers. all the while, people were shoving dollar bills at me and snatching stamps.

"dude," i said to the girl. "the IRS is going to laugh so hard when they see these."

i almost went back with another sheet, a card table, a tin can and a dream.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

i nearly cried in laughter reading this. brilliant. i'm already making plans for tax day next year.

CDP said...

You should have, I'd have enjoyed reading about it.

Anonymous said...

i don't even know when tax day is. meanhwile, you celebrate it like it's christmas. -fannie

Whiskeymarie said...

"i almost went back with another sheet, a card table, a tin can and a dream."

I don't think I've read a more perfect line in a long time.

Angie said...

ahhh...the bf called me in a panic from the post office last night at around the same time. no longer a stamp machine at post office either. he was ticked and flabbergasted and all that other funny stuff that goes along with a person all indignant that it isn't made convenient to mail your taxes at the LAST POSSIBLE second! ; ) like the supportive gf i am, i pointed this out as i laughed and laughed.

kristabella said...

I didn't have any idea what I was missing out on my e-filing.

And I was also SO lookingfor something to do with my Shaq-sized sock full of nickels.

Laurie said...

We mail ours at the last minute each year too-partially out of laziness but mostly for fun. One year we drove all the way downtown to mail them at 11pm but it was closed and everyone without a car was freaking out so we gathered everyone's taxes and drove them across the city to another stop. We felt like Gods.

Beverly said...

I do have stamps in my clutch purse, but they're for postcards.

L Sass said...

Congratulations!!

I guarantee you that my dad was speeding down to the 24-hour post office at the airport at 11:55 on Tuesday. He did MY taxes on February 1st.