take one free ...

i saw this sitting on a sidewalk in the hillside.

if i could have one free inconsequential wish that had nothing to do with me, it would be this: please let this sign have been stolen from a bar. please let it not have been purchased at a store that caters to men who put posters on their ceiling and subscribe to maxim.

please let the thieves have unplugged the fixture, climbed a wobbly bar stool and physically removed it from the wall. please don't let them have bothered to distract the bartender and/or bouncer as they lugged it out the door. in fact, i hope they waved and that the cord was dragging behind them. in fact, if there is indeed a wish fairy, these clever pranksters even yelled "this will look great in our kitchen! see you thursday!" strapped the sucker to the roof of their car and honked as they drove away.

if i had to pick, i'd hope this sign is stolen from, in no particular order:

1. the tap room
2. the reef
3. the copasetic lounge
4. aces on first

because that just makes it funnier.

i used to steal things from bars: table tents, 32 ounce mugs, ketchup. once, a keg-sized cigarette butt holder that fannie and i jammed into the back of dong's car -- a silver faux hot rod named "totally '80s." it tipped over, spilling ashes in his back seat. like his grandma's urn had exploded while pulling out of the parking lot of the crematorium.

i never stole wet and wild lipstick from target. that would be wrong. but for some reason, keeping a plate from mr. pizza or a popcorn basket from mcmurphy's seemed okay. instead of a "must have valid id" sign i was seeing "take one free!" when i walked in the door.

once in college a bunch of guys from the rugby team came into the on-campus grill at high noon and walked out with a table. they drilled a hole in the middle to fit their keg tap.

i hope the circumstances involving this foster's sign in the middle of the sidewalk are equal to that.